In our very First installment of "The Daily Observations of A Paranoid Negro, We take a look at a few of the things that everybody is talking about...by "everybody" I mean me.
In 2010, Heterosexual men who wear skinny jeans will get brutally beaten by Homosexuals. Check this article out to see why.
How Rudy Guliani is a major hater, Women are spreading the love of their Boobs, and how to use the movie Boondocks Saints in a joke about late night comedy shows. ....
In Today's episode, Sarah Palin does fox literally (well maybe not literally), Al Roker should get a pass, and The Pope objects to Avatars and not anuses.
Youtube commentators sings the racist Blues:
Has anyone ever read youtube comments. Youtube Comments have more racist commentary than a Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh lovechild. On every upload with a black person, there's always some commenter who posts a racist serenade....not any new original stuff. The old ones. Racism's greatest hits
such as:
"Go back to africa!"
"You ain't nothin' but a porch monkey"
"a negro, a spaniard, and a Beaner go into a bar..."
and the all time favorite:
"How many african booty scratchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
They really let the racism ooze out onto youtube.
But you know what I still don't understand? How is it still possible for a person to be prejudice against an entire race of people? Haven't we had enough examples of how their is dumb people in every race yet?
I can understand you not letting a negro like 50 cent into your country club and you clinch your purse when he comes around...shucks even I might clinch my butt cheeks a little tighter if I was in a room alone with him.
But what about somebody like Al Roker? He is a negro too...How can we just paint a whole race with one big brush? Why would you be racist against someone like Al Roker? The worst he can do is have you wear a poncho on a day when it's 73 degrees and sunny!
You need to thank Al Roker for wanting you to be prepared!
And another observation.....
Avatar? Nope say the Pope:
After the Vatican's newspaper reviewed the movie "Avatar" it shunned it's message about respecting the planet and gave Avatar, The second biggest grossing movie of all time, a bad review.
I wonder how many stars would James Cameron get in a Vatican Review if he Made a movie about a 14 year old boy's magical anus.
Sarah Palin's does Fox News:
Sarah Palin, 2008 Republican vice presidential candidate and Alaskan Governor drop out will be making her first appearance as a Fox News pundit tonight on the O'Riely factor.
This will take political distortion to whole other level. But you know what? I'm going to watch her. It's train Wreck television. And For Some reason I'm just fascinated with blatant bigotry. It's kinda like looking at the sun during a solar eclipse....You know if you stare at it long enough you will go blind, but you don't really believe it happened until you see it for yourself..
And you know what's so crazy no one believes Fox News is a legitimate news station! Not even themselves. I can see Giraldo's smirk behing his handlebar mustache every time he says "Fair and Balanced. That's why they have Pee Wee's Play House with Glenn Beck. I seen this guy douse a man with "Gasoline" and threaten to light him on fire to prove a point.....and the crazy thing is....I don't remember why, but it was Hilarious. Thank You Glenn Beck.
In this episode of "The Daily Observations of a Paranoid Negro" We ask the question Who Shrunk Mark Mcquire's Balls? Who's callin' Barack Obama a Negro? And Who never learned anything from Jungle Fever?
Mark Mcgwire's Juicing:
Mark Mcgwire's Juicing:
What does Baseballs Mark Mcgwire have in Common with the cast of Jersey Shore? Steroids, The crack of Champions.
In an official statement Today, Baseballs record setting MVP Mark Mcgwire finally confessed to using anabolic steroids, after denying his use of it in a congressional hearing over 4 years ago.
Now I don't know if he'll make the "Baseball Hall of Fame", But he definitely deserves a " people who snitch on themselves for no reason" award. What a dummy.
By the way, how can they NOT tell that he wasn't on Steroids. He was like 50 years old and hitting 70 Home runs? And besides,with all the different testing they do.... you can't tell me he didn't pop at some point. They even kids for steroids...you got that old creepy doctor telling you to cough as he cups your balls with his cold wrinkled hands......and then he told you he loves you. what was that all about? He did that to you too fellas right?? Wasn't he checking to see if your testicles shrunk because of steroids.....right? I know I'm not the only one.
speaking of testicles:
Improvsticles:
Improveverywhere an improvisional group orchestrated a "No pants subway ride" in New York City today. The Idea, as suggested by the title, was to travel on New York subways with out your your pants but to also act as if nothing was strange about it.
Today in New York it was about 31 degrees, which gave a new meaning to "blue balls", which also created a new term for black dudes "peanut butter" balls.
That's enough about balls.
Obama's trying to Pass....healthcare!
Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid (D) During the 2008 Presidential election is quoted as saying that he believed the nation was ready to elect a "light-skinned" black man "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."
Alot of people are saying this is racist statement I don't think so. I'm just glad we're gonna finally have some dialogue about skin tone. Think about it Harry Reid Knows that Light Skinned people run the black community. The Secret is out, and we are gonna have to explain the eighties!! Get ready for Light Skinned Congressional Hearings with the Prince and the El Debarges, and Al b' sure.
Jungle Fever:
Last night I saw the movie jungle fever for the first time, and I got to tell you it was a pretty interesting movie. I had to turn it off though, I felt like I didn't have the appropriate amount of blackness to really appreciate it appropriately. I know it's mandatory viewing for negro's but I couldn't take it. But I did learn from the movie however.
I was rather young then, but this is what I gathered about the eighties,
1) it was cool to cheat on your wife, as long as she wasn't white.
2) It was cool to beat up your girlfriend as long as you weren't black.
3) Crackheads did the Cabbage Patched for loose change and was addicted to chocolate
Those of you who has seen it, know exactly what I'm talking about.
Peace out.
"Skinny Jeans"
I love fashion. I try to have a healthy contemporary fashion sense while attempting to perceive whether or not something will in the future fade into utter embarrassment when one looks back at an old photo (I know you hate that you wore "cross colors" right? I mean we weren’t the least bit concerned about color coordinating in the early nineties!) I think I’ve mastered that technique – take the good – leave the rest. But there are some trends now that I believe aren’t healthy for society by and large.
Okay. By now I'm certain that you guys have seen dudes about town wearing the testicle promenading "skinny jeans".
I'm not talking about the Billy Ray Cyrus "achy-breaky-heart" tight jeans
As if those didn't vice grip your balls enough......Oh no my brother...I'm talking about jeans that are far more testicle constricting.
I'm talking about your girlfriend Tawanda's "I-have-to-roll-on-the-floor-and-suck-in-my-gut-at-the-same-time" club jeans.
I love fashion. I try to have a healthy contemporary fashion sense while attempting to perceive whether or not something will in the future fade into utter embarrassment when one looks back at an old photo (I know you hate that you wore "cross colors" right? I mean we weren’t the least bit concerned about color coordinating in the early nineties!) I think I’ve mastered that technique – take the good – leave the rest. But there are some trends now that I believe aren’t healthy for society by and large.
Okay. By now I'm certain that you guys have seen dudes about town wearing the testicle promenading "skinny jeans".
I'm not talking about the Billy Ray Cyrus "achy-breaky-heart" tight jeans
As if those didn't vice grip your balls enough......Oh no my brother...I'm talking about jeans that are far more testicle constricting.
I'm talking about your girlfriend Tawanda's "I-have-to-roll-on-the-flo
Wearing skinny Jeans - like voting - is something that trendy gay guys have been doing for years but because of some bold black dude it has gotten extremely popular and has been declared cool.
When I first saw gay dudes wearing these jeans... okay, it initially caught me off guard, but then you realize this is infact gay apparel, and you move on amicably.
You see the thing is, I’m totally fine with gay dudes wearing skinny jeans. The problems is that these “Skinny Jeans” have become so popular that now heterosexual men are wearing them . Straight dudes? Can you believe it? Beer Drinking, Misogynistic, Slapping their women on the butt in public kind of straight dudes. The Gay line is blending right before our eyes ladies and gentlemen. Are we prepared for that? I think that's entirely too much change for one calendar year.
What this means is that now straight dudes are looking like gay dudes. I don’t like this specifically because this makes it increasingly difficult to detect the "Homosexual intensive" areas in any given public area. I love gay dudes,, but since I was little I've always had issue with anybody looking intently at my booty for any length of time.... it started with an Eddie Murphy joke and then took on mind of it's own. Now I take showers with my pants on.
The only thing I hate is that we, have to figure out who’s really gay now. We already have the complication of Religion, Starbucks and Seth Rogen (is he funny
or isn’t he funny…no one knows. I always feel like there's a punch line coming, but it never comes.)
Do me a favor straight dudes, let the gay dudes, be gay dudes. Stop trying to steal their thunder. because If I know gay dudes like I think I do, they will come and get you.
P.S.
Micheal J. Fox was the only heterosexual dude to wear skinny Jeans while simultaneously being cool. I repeat – THE ONLY heterosexual dude!
There's just too much funny floating around in my head. That might be the reason why I have an odd shaped head. Since Sharing is caring, let's see how long I can keep this stuff up.
Comment an encourage me.
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Comment an encourage me.
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Lil Wayne:
Recently Lil wayne held a concert in his hometown of NO, LA, which unfortunately may be his last concert before his sentencing in early February for possession of an illegal firearm.
When asked what did he regret most about this whole prison situation, he said, the only regret he has is the decision to tattoo the titles of his hit songs on his body. When asked which song titles. He said "Hot boyz", "Prom Queen" "but I especially regret tattooing "Lollipop" on my lower back. That I see now was a mistake"
Tiger woods:
So Tiger Woods is butt naked on the new cover of Vanity fair lifting dumbbells. It's an old picture... I would say this was a self fulfilling prophecy, only in real life after his wife divorces him and gets the shirt off his back, she's taking the dumbbells too, as well as that cute little skull cap. Roar.
Microsoft Slate PC:
After much talk about Apple coming out with the "ISlate" later this month, a computerized-tablet-like portable computer, Microsoft's CEO Steve Ballmer unveiled their new slate PC. Which Many people are saying is a cheap knock off of the real thing.
This means the once Mighty, Mighty Microsoft has finally solidified itself as the Autotune of the Computer industry.
Obama: "The Buck stops with me"
http://www.huffingtonpost.
New Information surfaced today. It seems that the White House had even more intelligence about a Possible Terrorist attack during the holiday season. In a press conference today, Barack Obama took the blame.
I personally feel sorry for the President, not only did he inherit 2 wars, but now he has to declare another war. A war on enemy testicles.....
but who could see this one coming?
And you know who's the most upset about this failure of intelligence...women. But women can't grasp how off limits Balls are. This actually shows how insane al qaeda is. You see, men don't typically play around with their testicles (in theory). Any man ever kicked in the Scrotum can attest to that. I will never ever commit a suicide bombing, but if I did I would rather put a bomb on my head then wear it in my underwear.
Because if I had the bomb in my underwear, there is still like .011 milliseconds of excruciating pain in the nuts before I die. At least if I had a bomb on my head, I would be dead way before my balls are blown all over strangers in an commercial aircraft.
I'm just sayin'
Lawrence Jarrett.
Well it's time for another episode of " The Daily Observations of a Paranoid Negro", Hopefully I can keep this going long enough to see someone steal my jokes on national Television. Wish me luck!
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Vitamin Waters run deep:
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Vitamin Waters run deep:
Today, Vitamin Water announced the results of an online poll to decide their next flavor. So the new flavor of VitaminWater will be........"facebook". That's right a drink that tastes exactly like facebook. When asked what exactly wil the facebook flavor taste like, representatives from Coco Cola said. "unemployed college graduates.....a splash of "it's complicated" relationship statuses, with a hint of big girls that only take pictures from the neck up"
Breast Awareness Month:
Many of you might have noticed on facebook this week, many women have been typing the color of their underwear in their statuses in celebration of Breast Cancer awareness month.
Man. Times are changing so fast, getting that type of information from women 10 years ago cost $2.99 the first minute and $.99 each additional minute.
Sources tell us the prices computer cleaning wipes went up by 30 percent in just two days.
KFC: Negro licking good!
In a weird new Australian KFC Commercial, it appears that a white Cricket fan is trying to watch a cricket game, but can't watch the game peacefully because surrounding black people are too loud and noisy. So the white Cricket fan gets them to be quiet by offering the black people KFC!
http://www.youtube.com/wat
Is this really news? Of course you can appease us by offering us fried Chicken. It's our thing!! It's simple, Indians had peace pipes, White people have historically been fascinated with Tea (Europeans with theirTea and crumpets, Boston tea party, Republican tea party express etc) and we love our chicken, especially from the place where we feel most at home....KFC - where everybody knows every negro's name. KFC is like cheers for black people.
Seriously though, you know white people always imitate what they see on TV. I predict a race riot in 2010. I can see it now, a white man at the DMV trying to rush Shawanda off the phone with a bucket of extra crispy......Shawanda is on Break billy.....she can't help you right now!!!!
Rudy Giuliani is a hater:
In attempt to prove that President Obama is weak on National Security, Today on Good Morning America, Republican and former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani , said that " there was no domestic attacks in America during the Bush Administration"
Many people are upset. They are saying Rudy Giuliani has forgotten about the 9/11 attack, the shoe bomber attack and also he's forgetting about being attacked by his ex wife before she filed for divorce.
When asked how can he forget such an attack, Giuliani says, "because I'm still paying for it. It's seems like it happened only yesterday"
Party like a dead Rockstar:
Today marks what would have been the 75th birthday of the King of Rock and Roll Elvis Presley. To which Little Richard Responded, "Child I was 75 first. I'm the King. Nobody was better at 75 years old than me. Elvis is dead and he still stole a whole birth year from me hunny. I'm 77, I showed Elvis how to be 75 two years ago hunny, stick that tutti in your frutti......woooooo!!!!!
I wonder if people are still Having Elvis Presley sightings? I wonder if people would care anymore. If I saw a bloated, gray-haired, balding Elvis Presley slowly buying Denture Cream in CVS today, I probably would be more concerned with how he felt about his daughter marrying Micheal Jackson than where he's been at for the last 35 years.
Conan Gets an Ultimatum:
Today, speculation is rising about the tonight show with Conan O'Brien being canceled, unfortunately, Jay Leno's 10 o'clock ratings isn't doing too well, so NBC might push him back to 11:00 and only give Conan O'Brien a half hour show or he could be fired.
This could be the worst thing to happen to Irish Americans since "Boondock Saints 2"
(Joke Refence Assistance: Conan O'brien is Irish. The Boondock saints were Irish. Still not funny? act like you never read this and reread joke number 3)
Stay Tuned...